BILL GATES GOES TO HEAVEN
Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before in your case; I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."
Bill replied, "well, what's the difference between the two?"
St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!"
"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision.
"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.
"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire."
So Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going?" he asked Bill.
Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "this is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?!???
"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.
WORSE THAN A CLOWN
There was a young monk in China who was a very serious practitioner of the Dharma.
Once, this monk came across something he did not understand, so he went to ask the master. When the master heard the question, he kept laughing. The master then stood up and walked away, still laughing.
The young monk was very disturbed by the master's reaction. For the next 3 days, he could not eat, sleep nor think properly. At the end of 3 days, he went back to the master and told the master how disturbed he had felt. When the master heard this, he said, "Monk, do you know what your problem is? Your problem is that YOU ARE WORSE THAN A CLOWN!"
The monk was shocked to hear that, "Venerable Sir, how can you say such a thing?! How can I be worse than a clown?" The master explained, "A clown enjoys seeing people laugh. You? You feel disturbed because another person laughed. Tell me, are u not worse than a clown?"
When the monk heard this, he began to laugh. He was enlightened.
THE GEOTHERMICS OF HELL
Who says religion and science aren't compatible???
The following is an actual question posed on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."
The student received the only "A" given.
FACTS ABOUT LIFE ON TV
50 Things you would never know if it weren't for TV!
1. If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any strange noises wearing their most revealing underwear, preferably carrying candles which will be blown out by the slightest draft.
2. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing St Patrick's Day parade - at any time of the year.
3. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her.
4. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
5. It's easy for anyone to land a plane, providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
6. Once applied, lipstick and any other make-up will never rub off - even while scuba diving and sleeping.
7. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place and leads to any location in the building, including the safe. No one will ever think of looking for you in there.
8. You're likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
9. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. English with a German accent will do, provided you are blonde.
10. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris.
11. People never finish their drinks.
12. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds afterwards. This generally leads to a sex scene.
13. The chief of police is always wrong.
14. When paying for a taxi, just grab a note from your pocket and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
15. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15 cm.
16. Kitchens don't have light switches. When entering a kitchen at night, you should open the fridge door and use that light instead.
17. During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
18. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them.
19. Any American movie will contain a car chase, unless it was made by Walt Disney. Cars and trucks that crash will always burst into flames after they have come to a standstill and the hero is running away from it at 5 to 10 meters distance.
20. Wearing a vest or stripping to the waist makes a man invulnerable to bullets, provided he is the main character. Unimportant bad guys are killed instantaneously with one bullet or punch. Important bad guys nearly kill the hero savagely before they are killed.
21. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of a football stadium.
22. If a killer is lurking in your house, it's easy to find him. Just relax and run a bath - even if it's the middle of the afternoon.
23. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth, were well-fed, wore clean clothes and make-up.
24. Although in the 20th century it is possible to fire weapons at an object out of visual range, people of the 23rd century will have lost this technology.
25. All single women have a cat.
26. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.
27. Even when driving down a completely straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments. Similarly, when driving a curvy road, the slightest movement of the steering wheel will do the job.
28. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one.
29. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.
30. If a phone line is broken, communication can be restored by frantically beating the cradle and saying, "Hello? Hello?"
31. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper clippings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.
32. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor. If two men attack at the same time, the one behind you will firmly hold you up, so you can free your legs to kick the one coming from the front. If two men simultaneously attack from left and right, just a step backwards is sufficient to have them knock each other out.
33. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person you are speaking to, one stands behind them and talk to their back.
34. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
35. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them.
36. Police departments give their officers undergo personality tests to make sure they are assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
37. Action heroes never eat and drink when chased for weeks, do not go to the toilet or need more than 5 minutes of sleep per day.
38. Action heroes never face charges for manslaughter or criminal damage, despite laying entire cities to waste.
39. No matter how badly a spaceship is attacked, its internal gravity system is never damaged.
40. If there is a deranged killer on the loose, this will coincide with a heavy thunderstorm that has brought down all the power and phone lines in the vicinity.
41. You can always find a chainsaw whenever you're likely to need one.
42. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
43. There are three types of criminals: megalomaniacs, Italian mafiosi and brain-dead muscle packs.
44. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions - can be played with moving the fingers randomly.
45. All bombs are camouflaged using electronic timing devices with large red displays, showing exactly when the device will detonate. They are always disarmed by clipping one of two wires when the clock displays 3 seconds or less.
46. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting, cars need not be locked, nor keys taken out. If keys ere taken out of the ignitiuon, they should be left on top of the sunshade.
47. Guns are like disposable razors - if you run out of bullets, they should be thrown away. You can always find a new one which is loaded.
48. The weather always indicates what will happen next: rain will bring sadness (unless the film is called 'Singing in the rain'), thunder will bring fear and accidents.
49. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty and continues the case in his own time.
50. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
